The collected wine-tastings & wine-ramblings of one who prefers to describe wines with metaphors, not percentages

Natureo 2010, Torres review

The label of this bottle of de-alcoholised wine by Torres — a picture of a leaf adorns the label of this trap for unwary wine-shoppers

Now. I wish I could present what follows in the light of intrepid, altruistic experimentation. The reviewer acting on the behalf of his beloved community.

But no. Alas. The only valid explanation is, I’m afraid, my own bestial idiocy.

Picture me, then, as I stroll through the aisles of Waitrose. Perhaps, yes, perhaps I am a little more distracted than usual; my thoughts elsewhere. Specifically, my thoughts are still stuck at Waitrose’s cakes/baked goods counter, to which I was bewilderingly summoned, moments ago; interrupted amidst my blithe perusal of the organic eggs:

‘Excuse me, sir! Can I tempt you with my cakes?’

My dear reader: I am not accustomed to being tempted with the cakes of strangers. Least of all strangers wearing Waitrose caps and aprons. But, heedless of warning signs, I amble across.

‘Is that a bottle of gin I spy in your basket?’ cries this affable (by which I of course mean fucking weird-ass) baker.

‘Er, yup.’

‘Ah, Plymouth. Good choice. I bet it would go wonderfully with one of my cakes.’ (Looking at his cakes, this strikes me as an unsound wager.) ‘May I ask what you plan to do with your gin?’

‘Um … make martinis?’

At this, Waitrose Man’s face lights up like a napalmed shellsuit factory.

‘Martinis! Oh, well! Martinis! I’ll let you into a secret: martinis are something of a speciality of mine. I used to make martinis for a very special person. I can’t tell you who. But a very special person.’

‘Oh,’ I reply, weakly. ‘That sounds like a story.’

You will note that I choose to punctuate the above with a concluding full-stop, rather than a question mark. For, dear reader, it sounded like a story I did not much want to hear. But a story I had a feeling I was going to hear, full-stop or no.

And I was right.

‘Well, let me tell you … I can’t talk too much about it …’ (he looks left and right for eavesdroppers, leans forward and continues, sotto voce) ‘… but I’ll put it like this: when you’re making martinis for the Queen, you must be doing something right.’

***

When at length I’d extricated myself from the above exchange, I blundered dumbly for some time through the aisles of Waitrose, visions swimming before me of my wild-eyed cake-seller shaking his regal martinis.

And it was in this semi-delirious state that I picked up a bottle of Torres Natureo.

Now, you might not be thinking that this sounds like much of a disaster. Torres is a brand that makes some good mass-market-type wines. Indeed, it was this fact, coupled with its being on offer, that motivated me to grab a bottle: ‘I’ll review this for those splendid readers of mine,’ I thought. ‘For they are the sorts who’ll surely flock to snap up a Waitrose special offer, are they not?’

Well, maybe you are.

But maybe you’re not a blind fool like me.

And maybe you’ll therefore have observed those evil, evil words skulking beneath the name of this bottle (in something that looks appallingly like that fucking Brush Script typeface, no less):

‘De-alcoholised wine’

You may imagine my horror when, back at home, my eye fell upon those nauseating words. I felt a searing pain comparable (I am almost sure) with that of childbirth — and let out an appropriately agonised wail:

By the blackened arsehole of Beelzebub — NO!

But, heck, I pulled myself together. Gathered up the scraps of my journalistic impartiality (ha!) and decided to taste the blighter.

And, okay, I’ll be honest: when first I walloped some of the despicable liquid into my trap, I actually thought, hell, this isn’t as appalling as I expected. There’s a snap of acidity that’s almost bracing. A kind of Riesling-esque poise.

Alas, that poise disintegrates more rapidly than a leper in a wind tunnel. And is rapidly succeeded by a grim, pitiless flavour that is hauntingly like that of too-weak orange squash (from cheap-brand concentrate).

What’s more, it leaves about as pleasant a legacy in your mouth as the US did in Vietnam.

Ganky, cloying rot.

Look, it must be really hard to make a good wine with this little alcohol in it. So — how’s this for an idea? — don’t bother. I mean, if you don’t like alcohol, why in the name of the nailed up Messiah would you want to have a bottle of crappy fake-wine? And if you do like alcohol (but you have to drive later, or something) a mouthful of this is a patronising insult to your tastebuds.

Either way: stick to Schloer.

Or, if you’re the Queen, stick to martinis.

Rating ☆ 0 stars (lamentable)
Grape Muscat
ABV 0.5%
Price Currently 20% off — £4.55 — at Waitrose. A temptation to be resisted like the cakes of a lunatic.

11 Comments to Natureo 2010, Torres review

  1. January 17, 2012 at 8:45 am | Permalink

    Natureo 2010, Torres review: Now. I wish I could present what follows in the light of intrepid, al… http://t.co/PHVp82Ma

  2. January 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm | Permalink

    Never trust BrushScript “@oldparn A wine that leaves about as pleasant a legacy in your mouth as the US did in Vietnam http://t.co/MRGlkjMT”

  3. January 17, 2012 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

    I think certain Waitrose staff must go on a ‘talk inane shit to the customer’ course. Several in my local branch insist on having a ‘conversation’ when all I want to do is get the bollocks out of there.

  4. January 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm | Permalink

    Take a glass out of the Nutureo and replace with gin – now we in business!

  5. Ben's Gravatar Ben
    January 17, 2012 at 8:57 pm | Permalink

    Classic. I am currently enjoying a DRY January, but will not be going anywhere near this gnat’s p1ss.

  6. January 18, 2012 at 12:04 pm | Permalink

    Stick to Martinis http://t.co/bDKaSqEe

  7. February 8, 2012 at 2:15 am | Permalink

    ‘Excuse me, sir! Can I tempt you with my cakes?’

    Wait! That’s my line!

  8. February 13, 2012 at 11:56 am | Permalink

    I’m quite sure you aren’t allowed to write: “Alas, that poise disintegrates more rapidly than a leper in a wind tunnel” http://t.co/fPEGelgt

  9. March 26, 2012 at 5:45 pm | Permalink

    @princesspip Come on, that one’s pretty obvious. This http://t.co/cCjIK4rs is the reviewer who made a similar mistake and learned from it.

  1. By on December 29, 2013 at 5:01 pm

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