The collected wine-tastings & wine-ramblings of one who prefers to describe wines with metaphors, not percentages

Old Parn’s Wine Awards 2011

Shallow depth-of-field shot of the necks of wine bottles protruding from a wine rack

So. 2011. I think it’s time you and I had a sit down and reassessed our relationship. We’ve both done some things we shouldn’t have. Mainly you.

Now, I’ll grant you, you’re being pretty damn lovely. But, as years go, I’m not going to pretend you’ve been consistent. In fact, if we’re talking consistency, you were about at the level of a schizophrenic pitbull terrier on amphetamines, wearing a knitted pink bonnet.

But — consistency? You and I, my dear, sweet, syruppy reader (if I may move to include you in this hitherto somewhat self-indulgently exclusive conversation), you and I aren’t here for consistency, are we? We’re here for life. And, um, probably wine, too. Which is (if I may remind you) a subset of life.

Not the other way round, you pathetic, hyperventilating alcoholic.

Anyhow. Here’s the deal. Over the course of the next two posts, I hope you’ll permit me to extend the self-indulgence and to present — with desultory trumpet fanfares and some misguided bugger strumming a mandolin — OLD PARN’S WINE AWARDS, 2011. Yes, there is something a little troubling about looking back over a year exclusively through the prismic glass of empty wine bottles. But no matter. Onward. Acrossward.

Like I said, the awards will come in two parts. In the first, today’s, I’ll canter through my most notable wines of the year. In the second, to follow, I’ll add a few more general awards (luxuriating in the delusion that anyone’ll give a toss) and — with a halfhearted nod towards democracy — present your favourite posts of 2011.

But that’s all to come. Excitingly. Meanwhile, though —

Old Parn’s Individual Wine Awards

Most evocative wine

Arabella Reserve Shiraz Viognier — Bulgarian woodsmoke, adolescent ennui and being a bit shit with orphans.

Most wanker-demolishing wine

Potel Aviron Moulin a Vent — Reminding us that the word ‘fruity’ belongs to us, to the hedgerows, to the soil — not to some bunch of oily FMCG bell-ends.

Most redemptive wine

D’Aquino Reserve Merlot — One Merlot that can grab onto my ankles any day of the week.

Most androgynous wine

Act Five Shiraz Viognier — Strapping, crocodile-wrestling shiraz with florally fecund viognier. Yes please.

Most heinous and detestable wine

Le Froglet — Foul piss of Satan. Foul piss of Satan, what’s more, served like a goddamn yoghurt.

Most sado-masochistic wine

Domaine de Mourchon — Seduce me with a heady waft of fruit. Then pull me up, slap me and strap me, look me fucking dead in the eye and ask me if I reckon I’m hard enough.

Most ungluggable wine (this is a good thing, damn it)

El Seque Alicante — A wine that doesn’t apologise, doesn’t smarm, doesn’t pussyfoot.

… and the sought-after Best In Show:

Nicest wine of 2011

Vina Arana Reserva Rioja — Soft but strong. Firm but gentle. Confident but seductive. It yields and it withstands. Balance.

So that’s it for today. Stay tuned — won’t you? — for part two. And do feel free to share your own vinous awards in the comments, should you be so moved.

7 Comments to Old Parn’s Wine Awards 2011

  1. December 28, 2011 at 9:49 pm | Permalink

    Old Parn’s #Wine Awards 2011: So. 2011. I think it’s time you and I had a sit down and reassessed o…

  2. December 29, 2011 at 8:31 pm | Permalink

    Old Parn’s most sado-masochistic wine of the year 2011

  3. December 30, 2011 at 11:14 am | Permalink

    Love your award categories – I hope they are adopted by Decanter/IWC – would be a lot more interesting.

    Links to my top 12 wines of the year are unashamedly below. They were simply the best tasted – although all were evocative and redemptive, a few androgynous, none sado-masochistic though:

  4. December 30, 2011 at 11:35 am | Permalink

    RT @winechapUK: @oldparn Have commented on your Wine Awards post – but what did the winners win? Steak knives? John Lewis vouchers?

  5. December 30, 2011 at 4:07 pm | Permalink

    I was drawn to the S and M one predictably. The way you described it , it sounded like a classic pushy bottom…

  6. December 31, 2011 at 7:38 pm | Permalink

    RT @thirstforwine: Some PROPER wine awards from @oldparn – #NSFW but who is working and who cares today?

  7. January 1, 2012 at 1:29 pm | Permalink

    And Le Froglet has always spoken so highly of you…

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